A Time for Peace
by eclectic madness
Summary: Life and death... life or death... choosing between the two can be difficult. On New Years Eve the Angel crew encounter a somewhat mysterious woman with certain abilities who has already made such a choice... unless they can convince her otherwise.
1. Default Chapter

Title: A Time for Peace

Author: eclectic madness

Email: ayallara@yahoo.com

Summary: New Years Eve leads Angel Investigations to a mysterious woman with an unusual gift/curse.

Spoilers: Up to and including season 3 of Angel and perhaps some of Buffy, who knows? But don't expect me to stay true to the story line. I do what I like and take what I please…

Rating: R… I think… for language and adult subject matter.

Disclaimers: Not mine, not mine, not mine. Darn it! Well, except for Lana. She is entirely me, er, mine.

Feedback: Yes, please. Be brutally honest. Tell me how I managed to ruin your morning with my dark fic.

Archiving: Post it where you will, just let me know first so I can send you flowers for liking the thing so much as to actually want to post it on your site. Unless it's on your hate list, in which case I still want to know so I can send you threatening letters ;-)


	2. Chapter One: Time to Go

Title: A Time For Peace

Author: eclectic madness

E-mail: ayallara@yahoo.com

Chapter One: Time to Go 

"Your taxi is here Lana."

Lana looked up from her desk. Well, it was her desk for the next minute or so, anyway. "Thanks Cindy," she said. She was already wearing her coat. It was time to go. She looked over her office once more, just to be sure she hadn't forgotten anything. The place was empty, sterile. Perfect.

"I'm really gonna miss you," said Cindy as Lana shut the door of her office. Not her office.

Lana smiled. "I'll miss you too."

"Promise you won't forget us there in New York, huh? You'll call us and let us know how you're doing?" Cindy asked.

"I promise I won't forget you," replied Lana. It had all been said before. It was time to go. She had trained her replacement, made sure everything was running smoothly before she left. Everyone but Cindy had gone home early. It was New Years Eve, after all.

Lana held out her hand. Cindy scoffed and pulled her into a hug. Cindy always had been big on the hugging, Lana thought. But she couldn't begrudge her the contact. She could tell Cindy really meant it. She really was sad that Lana was leaving, if only because Lana had been a fair boss. Lana sighed and disentangled herself from Cindy's embrace. It wasn't Lana Cindy would miss so much as the calm and the order that Lana brought to the office. It was time to go.

"Goodbye Cindy," said Lana.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Cordelia walked into Wesley's office. He was making notes, apparently about the book lying on his desk written in a language that looked vaguely Aramaic. She waited for him to notice her, but he continued writing furiously in his notebook.

"Wesley, we're bored," she declared.

"Hmm?" he said distractedly.

"There is nothing to do. No filing, no collection calls, nothing."

"That's fine"

"It's New Years and since there's nothing going on we thought it might be nice if we went out to dinner or something. I mean, its not like any of us have lives. We may as well spend the evening together."

"Uh huh."

"Wesley, are you listening to me?"

He grunted an affirmative.

Cordelia grinned wickedly. "And since its New Years and all Angel and I thought we would start the year out right, you know?"

"Alright," he said as he turned to a different page in the book.

"So we decided that now is as good a time as any to tell you all that we're getting married."

"Is that so," he replied as he reached for a similarly shaped volume from the shelf behind his desk.

"Yup. So I'll need to have a month or so off in March."

"Of course," he said as he made some more notes.

"We thought we would honeymoon in Hawaii, even though he doesn't tan well and wanted to go to Alaska. But I told him that it's traditional. Honeymoon, Hawaii, right?"

"Certain- what?!" He dropped his pen.

Cordelia laughed. "Oh, so now you listen," she said.

"Did you just say honeymoon?"

Cordelia smiled innocently. "I'm sorry? What about a honeymoon?"

"You just said something about Hawaii and a honeymoon."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Cordelia, I'm in the middle of something that may be of great importance. Would you kindly say what it is you came in here to say?" he finished with some annoyance.

"Put down the book, Wes. It's New Years Eve. Angel offered to take us all out on the town."

"It's only four o'clock!"

"Well, we need to decide now, so Fred and I have a chance to get ready. And it wouldn't hurt for you and Gunn to dress up too. It would be nice to go out and have a little normal fun, don't you think?"

"I suppose so…"

"Good. So I'll tell everyone to meet back here at 7pm," she finished and left the room.

"Cordy…" he called after her, but she didn't come back. He sighed. As he began to put away his notes it occurred to him that she might in fact be the person who really ran the office.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Here's my key, Mrs. Nelson," said Lana.

"Oh, thank you dear," replied the matronly old woman. "You're all moved out, then?"

"Yes. I'm just going to run up and check the place over to make sure I got everything and then I'm gone," she replied.

"Ok," said Mrs. Nelson, turning back to the little TV sitting in the corner of the apartment building's office.

"Right," said Lana as she went back up the stairs to her apartment. It was time to go.

Three flights of stairs. She had climbed them every day for six years. Her door was the second on the left. Not her door. She turned back and looked down at the stairs. There would be no more climbing after tonight. No more stairs that went nowhere worth going.

Her apartment was empty, sterile, just as her office had been. Not her office, not her apartment. The worn wooden floor seemed stark, the white walls staring. Perfect.

Lana sat in the center of the room. The letter lay in front of her. The glass was in her hand. The capsule lay on the letter. Her passage to freedom.

It was time to go.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fred was feeling really good. She was wearing the little black dress Cordy had helped her pick out and her hair was all done up smooth and shiny and she was even wearing perfume. She came down the stairs to the lobby where everyone was waiting. Fred smiled shyly. She was making an entrance. A good one, if the look on Gunn and Wesley's faces was any indication.

"Fred! You look great," said Angel.

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Angel, the king of charm," she muttered.

He glared at her. "I heard that."

Wesley ignored that little byplay and walked over to Fred, offering her his arm. She smiled and took it, admiring how he looked in his dark blue suit.

"So, we're all ready to go?" asked Gunn. Earlier, Cordelia had pulled him aside. No one had quite heard what she had said, but whatever it had been it had been effective. He was wearing black slacks and a soft gray button down shirt.

Cordelia grinned. "Looks that way to me," she said. At first Gunn had been surprised at her outfit. The long dark maroon skirt had seemed a little tame… until he had noticed the long slits up both sides. And then he had realized that the black top with the long sleeves was not as opaque as it seemed in certain lights. Black lace bra, he'd thought, nice.

Angel was wearing black leather pants. The first time he had worn leather pants again a few months back it had made Cordelia nervous. Leather pants equals evil Angelus, right? But she had to admit they did look good on him. Still, bad memories. Not that she would ever tell him that.

"So lets go," said Angel.

They started towards the door. Then Cordelia got that feeling. Like the feeling you get when you just know you're going to sneeze, only worse. And then it was there. White-hot pain poured into her head and she cried out, falling backwards. Angel caught her, barely. Gotta love those reflexes, Cordelia thought in the midst of her pain. They all clustered around her, waiting for the vision to run its course. Finally she sagged in Angel's arms. He led her over to the couch and she collapsed.

"What is it," Wesley asked, dropping Fred's arm and catching Cordelia's hand.

"A woman. Alone in an empty room. She's swallowed something. She's dying. She's peaceful." Cordelia looked confused, trying to interpret the information the Powers had just dumped into her brain. "She's… special. Something about her mind… We have to stop her before she swallows it. We… need her?"

"She swallowed her mind?" Gunn asked.

Cordelia laughed and then winced. "No, she swallowed a pill. Or something. There isn't much time. We have to stop her."

"Was there any clue as to the location of this room?" Wesley asked.

"Yes its…" Cordelia broke off. She looked up at him wonderingly. "I have the address! I know exactly where it is."

Angel and Wesley exchanged glances. This was not standard operating procedure.

Cordelia stood up. She swayed and Gunn steadied her. "Don't just stand there. It's time to go…" she trailed off. "Time to go…" She shook her head and looked at the faces around her. "She's leaving. If we don't go to her now, we'll lose her. And we need her. I think," she finished.

They all piled into Angel's car. Just another well-dressed group of friends going out on the town on New Years Eve. Driving well above the speed limit on their way… to save a woman's life.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lana smiled. It would all be over soon. At last. She could finally leave. She offered up a prayer to whatever power may hear her, to take her soul, if people were in fact endowed with such ephemeral things. She could feel the mind, but what is a soul? She shook her head. She didn't have to worry about that anymore. Her time had finally come. She picked up the capsule, the beautiful white filled capsule that was her key to freedom. Time to –

Her door burst open. Not her door, came the automatic correction. She told that part of her mind to stuff it. Who cared whose door it was, people were coming through it. Why didn't I lock the door? Wailed another part of her mind. She moved to pop the capsule into her mouth, but a hand was stopping her. It had her wrist locked gently but firmly in its grasp. The voice attached to the hand said, "You don't want to do this." She looked up into chocolate brown eyes. Lovely eyes. That didn't matter. It was time to go, said that part of her mind. She turned his words back on him. "You don't want to do this," she repeated softly. His brows came together as he tried to fight it, but his grasp loosened and she was free. Free to swallow her freedom. As she pulled her hand from his, she felt a moment of intense pain and then… nothing.


	3. Chapter Two: Happy New Year

Title: A Time For Peace

Author: eclectic madness

E-mail: ayallara@yahoo.com

Chapter Two: Happy New Year 

Gunn was kneeling next to the woman, feeling shaken. He looked up at Cordelia.

"And here you'd thought I'd forgotten my vow to protect your life," she said.

Gunn laughed, then sobered. "It wasn't my life you just saved, but thanks anyway."

"Ok, what just happened," asked Angel from the doorway. They had found the place, run up the stairs and found the apartment unlocked. From all he could see, the others had gone in, Gunn had caught the woman's hand before she could take the pill and then Cordelia had knocked the woman out.

"She was… leaning on my mind. Pushing on it so I'd let go of her," answered Gunn.

"And that's what it was I felt in the vision, about her mind. She's," Cordelia paused, searching for the right word. "Empathic? Telepathic?" She shrugged. "So I knocked her out. I hope I didn't hurt her too much," she added.

Wesley knelt down next to Gunn. He felt the woman's pulse, checked the back of her head where Cordelia had hit her. "I don't think you did any permanent damage, Cordelia. There is a sizable bump here, but her breathing seems to be stable and her pulse strong." He looked down at the woman, turning her head so he could better see her face. She looked drawn, tired… sad. She was also pale and painfully thin.

Fred picked the letter off of the floor. "Listen to this." She read the letter aloud.

_To Whom It May Concern:_

_My name is Lana Hoy. For reasons that are personal and largely unimportant I have committed suicide. My lawyer's name is Lawrence Daniels. He can be reached at 555-2894. He is in possession of my Will and has the contact information for my next of kin. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused._

_Lana Hoy_

"It sounds like a business letter," she said. "Aside from the whole suicide part, I mean."

"Look," said Angel, pointing. His hand crossed the threshold. "Oh," he said and stepped into the room.

"Not her apartment," Cordelia said, and then blinked. "Her lease must be up."

Angel gave her a look as he walked over to a corner of the room. "Not yet," he said. A black leather coat lay draped over something. Angel picked it up to reveal a smallish matching purse underneath. He stood, put the coat over his arm and rifled through the contents of the purse. Lip balm, a tube of hand lotion, a pair of earrings, a battered paperback and jackpot: a wallet. Wesley came over to stand next to Angel so he could see. "California state driver license, Lana Hoy, no middle name," said Angel. "Looks like Lana just turned thirty in June."

"Thirty?" said Gunn, who was now standing over the woman – Lana. "She looks nineteen to me. Maybe twenty or twenty one. But thirty?"

Cordelia studied the woman at her feet. Lana was wearing faded blue jeans, battered tennis shoes and a cream colored t-shirt that looked like it had once been tight. Apparently Lana wasn't the type to dress up in a satin gown for her suicide. She didn't look young or old, really, more… timeless. She was hardly beautiful, but her features were somehow compelling and her long dark curly hair made Cordelia miss her once nearly waist-length tresses.

"Credit cards, a checkbook, a few dollar bills, but no pictures," said Wesley, who had taken the wallet from Angel. "Lana seems to have been a very lonely person."

"As interesting as her wallet is, don't you think we should finish this back at the hotel?" said Cordelia. "I get the feeling that this place isn't hers anymore and who knows when the apartment manager will come by to check it over? Not to mention that she's just laying there on the floor."

"Yes, of course," said Wesley. "Angel, would you –"

"I got it," said Gunn. He scooped Lana up in his arms. "She ain't that heavy."

Lana's arm slid sideways and her hand opened. The capsule slid from her fingers and fell to the floor, rolled a few inches then stopped. Fred picked it up, studying the white powder inside. Cyanide, maybe, she thought. Which would make sense. It was better than swallowing a bunch of sleeping pills and not as messy as slitting your wrists. Taking cyanide would be like suffocating yourself; it stops the blood from absorbing oxygen, which causes the organs to shut down, and you die.

"Fred!" exclaimed Angel. He took the capsule from her. "Go wash your hands. Who knows what that is or how much of it was on the outside of the capsule." Fred rolled her eyes and went to the small kitchen to one side of the room and rinsed off her hands. Cordelia grinned and wondered if she was beginning to rub off on Fred.

Wesley pulled out a Ziploc baggy and gestured for Angel to put the capsule inside. "Do we have everything, then? Lets go."

The drive back to the hotel was a quiet one. Each of them had at one time or another contemplated suicide, if only for the briefest of moments. What is it that had caused this woman to make the deadly decision?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lana drifted slowly back into consciousness and wished she hadn't. It had been ages since she'd had a headache this severe. What had she done to merit such pain? Then she remembered. New Years Eve. Time to go. Gods, she thought, please don't tell me it didn't work. I had it all planned out. Why didn't it work? She felt another presence nearby. Concern washed over her and thoughts filtered into her mind. Why hasn't she woken up yet? Why did she do it? Should we have stopped her? She felt so peaceful…

Now that was a weird feeling, thought Lana. Feeling herself through someone else's mind. Was this woman like her maybe? Lana sent out a questing thought. Hello? But there was no response. No, Lana thought sadly. She is something else. For a moment she considered looking deeper, to find out just what the woman was, and then regretfully set the notion aside. She threw up her defenses so she could have a little quiet while she considered her situation. She had a fuzzy memory of people coming in and of eyes telling her she shouldn't do it. No, that she didn't want to do it. A voice, rather. Damn. They'd stopped her. Bound her. She was stuck in this stupid body still. Just her luck. Lana sighed and opened her eyes.

She was in what looked like a hotel room. A dusty hotel room. The woman she had sensed was pacing quietly across the floor, walking away from her for the moment. All dressed up in black and a red that seemed the color of dried blood Lana thought the woman looked a little vampy. Her mind had tasted vibrant though. Strong.

"Hi there," Lana said.

Cordelia turned and came over to the bed where Lana lay. She sat down in the chair next to it. "Hi. We were beginning to get worried about you."

"I know," said Lana, looking at Cordelia in a way that unnerved her.

"Oh," Cordelia smiled brightly. "Well then you know what it is I'm about to say."

"Not really. I'm not listening. I don't do that anymore," said Lana, smiling enigmatically.

Cordelia decided to let that pass. "How are you feeling?"

Lana let one of her brows rise. "Like someone kicked me in the head."

"Right," Cordelia grimaced, "Sorry about that. But you were doing something to my friend's mind. And we had to stop you."

Lana's jaw tightened and she sat up. "No. You didn't."

Cordelia was saved from having to answer by a knock at the door.

Fred stuck her head in. "Cordelia? Wesley wanted me to check and see – oh. You're awake, Lana."

Lana looked at the slender girl in surprise. "You know my name?"

Fred came into the room. "Well, you did leave the letter there and all. And we looked through your purse. Sorry about that, but we had to find out more about you."

"Whatever," said Lana. She pushed herself up off of the bed and stood, swaying slightly. "I think I want to leave now."

"No!" said the two women in unison.

Lana looked from one to the other. "Look, I don't want to have to make you let me go, but I will if you make me make you." She frowned. Did that sentence even make any sense? Her head felt all wobbly…

"Just relax for a minute," said the first woman, pushing her back down onto the bed. "We're here to help you." The woman - Cordelia? - sat down in the chair so that they were at eye level with each other. Good eye contact, moderate voice, thought Lana clinically, she has the makings of a good counselor… "I know that life can seem impossibly hard sometimes, but –"

"Please," said Lana, cutting her off, "What do you know about hard?" She looked her over appraisingly. "Let me guess. Cheerleader, dated the captain of the football team, homecoming queen… you're telling me life hasn't been easy for you?"

The words had been a calculated barb, but Cordelia just grinned wryly. "Not exactly."

Lana frowned at the lack of response, but refused to back down. She looked over at the other one, standing behind Cordelia a little to one side. "And you, what is your name?"

She smiled sweetly. "Fred. Well, its Winifred, but everyone calls me Fred."

"Uh huh," Lana said, "Fred. Let's see… the smartest kid in school, daddy's little girl, scholarship to one of the best universities, am I right? Not exactly walking on coals, were you?"

Fred's face fell and her shoulders hunched as her lips trembled a bit. But she forced herself to speak. "I… Maybe that was right, once. But I spent five years in a place where the monsters are real and they work you and work you until you die from exhaustion or you kill yourself because you can't stand it anymore." Fred's chin rose.  "Believe me, I know about hard."

The anger drained out of Lana and she seemed to go limp. It was true; she could feel that even through her walls. Gods, she felt guilty. "I'm sorry," she said simply and let herself fall back onto the bed, curling up on her side facing away from the two women. She didn't respond when they said her name or when one of them touched her shoulder. They were right. She was weak. They had lived in the world, survived it without folding in on themselves; what was she compared to them? Nothing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fred and Cordelia left the room, shutting the door quietly behind them.

"That did not go well," said Cordelia. "Are you ok, Fred?"

"I'm fine." Fred shrugged. "But she isn't. Which I guess makes sense, her having just tried to commit suicide. We can't make it all better just by talking to her for a few minutes."

Cordelia suppressed a smile. Fred was really doing better, getting stronger every day. Sometimes she would say something completely unexpected, just as Cordelia was beginning to think she knew Fred fairly well. "You're probably right," said Cordelia, pulling her attention back to the situation at hand. "I was just hoping that after not having been able to do it she might be ready to talk about it a little."

"You said she was important, that we needed her somehow?"

Cordelia's lips pursed and her eyes went slightly unfocused as she went over the vision in her mind. "Um hmm… She is supposed to help us. Or we're supposed to help her." Cordelia frowned, "Maybe both?"

Fred looked thoughtful. "Right now its us doing the helping, I think."

Cordelia grinned. "That's what it is we do, help the helpless."

Fred laughed lightly. She loved that she was part of the we now.

"But I don't think we should leave her alone for too long," said Cordelia. "Do you want me to stay with her or,"

"I can stay," said Fred. "You go and talk with Wesley."

"Are you sure?"

"Really, its ok. You go."

Cordelia nodded and went down the hallway towards the stairs. Fred steeled herself and opened the door quietly, entering the room with only the slightest hesitation. "Lana?" she said. Lana didn't answer. Fred sighed and sat down in the chair. She didn't think Lana was asleep, but if Lana didn't want to talk, Fred wouldn't force her. She kept a silent watch over Lana, wondering what it was the Powers had in mind for her…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Is there any almond chicken left?" asked Cordelia. The three men looked up to watch her cross the floor from the base of the stairs to the front desk. 

"I believe it's in that one," said Wesley, indicating a carton in the middle of the group of take-out boxes on the desk. As he watched her scoop some out onto a plate along with sizable portions from the other boxes Wesley thought to himself how it never ceased to amaze him just how much Cordelia could eat and still stay in such good shape.

Cordelia took a bite and sighed happily. "I love Chinese food," she said. She looked at the three faces watching her eat. "What?"

Gunn hid a grin and Wesley cleared his throat. Angel just shook his head. "How is she," he asked.

Cordelia set down her fork. "Not good. And definitely not happy that we broke in on her farewell party."

"Were you able to talk with her at all?" Angel asked.

"Not so much. She just wanted to leave. We tried to calm her down but she… she was upset. And now she won't say anything at all."

Gunn looked worried. "Did she do anything," he gestured vaguely at his head, "you know, upstairs?"

Cordelia shook her head. "I don't think she likes whatever it is that she has."

"She is uncomfortable with her metal abilities?" Wesley asked with interest.

"That's kind of the impression that I got."

"Just now or in your vision?"

"Both. I think." Cordelia blew out a frustrated breath. "You know, I can relate." She picked her fork up again and took a few bites. "I keep going over the vision in my mind and each time I get something slightly different. Even though I am sure I've already analyzed it suddenly there's something new there."

"Like you remember something more every time?" asked Angel.

"No," said Cordelia, "More like… reading an article in the newspaper and then going back over it to find a new sentence at the end or in the middle where there wasn't one before."

Wesley considered this. "This new information, what is it, exactly?"

"It's not like its all clear in there. I just get these impressions, an overall feeling that is stronger than it was at first."

"Such as?"

Cordelia struggled to put into words the revelations she had had while watching over Lana's unconscious form. "She's put a lot of planning into this. It wasn't a call for help. She meant it. She was ready to go. Now. Tonight. Part of it is because of the mind thing. Part of it is just the loneliness. But its also… she is exhausted for some reason. She is so tired she just wants to sleep forever."

"If I remember correctly that is one of the symptoms of major depression," said Wesley.

"Maybe," said Cordelia doubtfully.

Gunn, who had been listening silently, asked, "Do you think she'll try again?"

"I'm not sure," said Cordelia.

"That sounds like yes but I don't want to say yes."

Cordelia nodded.

"We shouldn't leave her alone," he stated unequivocally.

Wesley's brows rose in surprise, but he did not argue the point. "You're right, Gunn. For the time being we will keep watch over her until we are certain she will not attempt suicide again. Angel? If you would take the first watch tonight?"

Angel nodded.

"I will come in early tomorrow to relieve you and we will work out who goes next. The rest of you needn't come in until later."

Angel stood up. "I'll just go relieve Fred. It's getting late, almost ten after midnight…" He broke off. He looked around at the faces of his friends, the people he trusted most in the world. "Happy New Year," he said. And in a way he meant it. He would rather be with them doing what it was they did best than be at any party.

"Oh!" said Cordelia. Gunn and Wes looked as surprised as she felt. How had midnight passed without any of them noticing? Well, even if they weren't out dancing, she could celebrate the New Year at least a little bit. She caught Gunn off guard with a hug and a kiss. Wesley smiled and tried to duck but she caught him and kissed him soundly. Angel laughed and backed away when she approached him. "Don't make me use my new fighting skills," she threatened. "You know I can kick your ass." He raised his hands in surrender and she hugged him tight then released him.

"Hey," said Angel. "Don't I get a kiss too?"

Cordelia threw a glance over her shoulder as she went behind the desk to get her coat and purse. "Nope."

"I don't know why they get kisses and I don't."

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Goodnight everyone."

"Happy New Year!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Upstairs Lana woke suddenly from a fitful sleep. Voices had been telling her she couldn't go, and they didn't hear when she screamed at them to leave her alone. But the words that brought her abruptly to consciousness echoed through her head and tears began to stream sideways down her cheek as she quietly repeated them.

"Happy New Year."


	4. Breif (textual) Musical Interlude

Musical Interlude

Somebody Else's Song

By Lifehouse 

Can't change this feeling

I'm way out of touch

Can't change this meaning

It means too much

I've never been so lonely

Never felt so good

I can't be the only one

Misunderstood

I remind myself of somebody else 

And I'm feeling like I'm chasing

Like I'm facing myself alone

I've got somebody else's

Thoughts in my head

I want some of my own

I want some of my own

I want some of my own

Can you see me up here

Would you bring me back down

'Cause I've been living to see my fears

As they fall to the ground

And I remind myself of somebody else

And I'm feeling like I'm chasing

Like I'm facing myself alone

I've got somebody else's

Thoughts in my head

I want some of my own

I want some of my own

I want some of my own

Am I hiding behind my doubts

Or are they hiding behind me?

I'm closer to finding out it doesn't mean anything

Oh, I remind myself of somebody else and I'm

Feeling like I'm chasing

Like I'm facing myself alone

I've got somebody else's

Thoughts in my head

I want some of my own

I want some of my own

I want some of my own


	5. Chapter Three: Getting to Know You

Title: A Time For Peace

Author: eclectic madness

E-mail: ayallara@yahoo.com

Chapter Three: Getting to Know You 

"Fred?"

Fred looked up to see Angel at the door. She smiled and he gestured for her to come out into the hall. "It's late. I'll take over for now so you can get some sleep."

"Oh, you don't have to do that. I'm fine," she protested.

"Hey, creature of the night here. I'm supposed to stay awake. Its in the handbook." 

Fred laughed. "If you insist…" She shrugged and turned to go.

"Fred!" She whirled back around and looked at him questioningly. "Just a minute." He stepped closer to her and kissed her forehead. "Happy New Year," he said quietly.

Fred stepped away, trying not to blush. "You know the tradition of the New Year celebratory kiss dates back from…" she stopped. "Sorry. Happy New Year Angel."

Angel watched her escape down the hall and shook his head. Maybe he shouldn't have done that. But ever since that old man had taken over his body and tried to seduce Fred she had been a little distant. He kind of missed having her in love with him. He frowned as he opened the door to Lana's room and went in. Isn't that a weird thing to admit to yourself, he thought? But it was true. It was nice to have someone in love with you that you have no feelings for and no obligation to reciprocate. All of the benefits (well, all of the benefits he was allowed… he would not think of Darla) and none of the pain. Completely unlike the ongoing saga of his love for Buffy or the confusion of his ever evolving feelings for Cordelia.

Lana was awake. He could hear her breathing raggedly; smell the damp saltiness of tears. Angel sat down in the chair and contemplated the curve of her back. There had to be something they could do to get her out of this depression. They had to figure out what they needed her for. But mostly they just had to keep her from killing herself.

"Lana?" Lana froze at the sound of the man's voice. "Lana, I know you're awake." She held her breath, hoping he would go away or shut up or something. After a few minutes of silence she heard him sigh. "Ok, you don't want to talk to me, I can understand that. So I'll talk for a little while ok? Ok. My name is Angel. I am here to help you. All of us are. I know how life can be so awful you just don't want to go on. I have felt that way before. It helps to tell someone. So if you feel like talking, you need a shoulder to cry on, you let me know. I'll be here all night so you won't have to be alone." He waited, but she didn't move. She was hardly breathing. If he didn't know better he might worry that she had succeeded in willing herself to death. At last he resigned himself to a long solitary night sitting next to her unnaturally still form.

Lana wondered vaguely why no one could ever come up with a better way of approaching her. "I know how it feels, it helps to talk," was going to get very old very fast. Not that it mattered. Nothing mattered. She closed her eyes and let herself drift off into the warm oblivion of sleep…

…Sweet hot blood slid down her throat as she pulled the woman's body harder against her, reveling in the little cries the woman made and the froth of the woman's skirts rustling around her legs and she bit down, drinking deeper, feeling the woman's heart falter, heard the woman breath out that last wordless cry they always made and she shuddered in…

Lana woke with a gasp that wasn't quite a scream and scrambled back across the bed away from the man slumped in the chair. He woke with a jerk, looking at her haunted expression with shock and confusion. She came up against the wall and slid to the corner at the head of her bed, trying to regulate her breathing. "What are you?" she whispered, her voice full of the horror she felt. He stretched out a hand, trying to calm her and said, "It's all right. I'm Angel. I help the…" Lana cut him off, speaking more firmly this time, her hand slicing the air to punctuate her words. "What. Are you?"

Angel looked at Lana, crouched in the corner, bracing herself with her hands on the walls, looking like she wanted to melt through those walls just to escape him. He didn't understand. She was terrified! "We're… private investigators. We run a company called Angel Investigations…" he broke off as she shook her head violently.

"No," she said, her eyes flashing. "You. You are something… else. What. Are. You."

He looked at her, realizing she somehow sensed that he wasn't human but not wanting to scare her by telling her he was a –

"A Vampire," she breathed, one hand going unconsciously to her throat.

"I'm not going to hurt you," he said earnestly. "I have a soul. I work for the Powers." She was watching him, her eyes unreadable, so he went on. "The good guys. I'm on a mission to help the helpless. To do what I can to..."

She heard it all, in her head, the words, the feelings, the longing for redemption, for peace. Satisfied for the moment that he was not the monster in her dream, she put up her barriers again. "…only trying to help you. I would never…"

Lana cut Angel off. "Alright, alright, enough already. I get it. Angel good," she said wryly. He blinked, nonplussed at her sudden acceptance of his explanation. She pointed from her head to his and back again, then shrugged.

"Oh," he said, and nodded. He watched her slide from her semi-crouched position against the wall to sit with her legs folded neatly under her. "A vampire," she said again, rubbing her throat.

Angel watched her hand clutching convulsively at her neck. "I'm not going to bite you, Lana," he said quietly.

She looked at him questioningly. He mimicked the motion of her hand with his. Her eyes shifted and she slid her hand from her throat and spread the fingers in front of her. "Oh, no, I wasn't thinking that, it was just…" She looked at him. He was the monster and he wasn't. She deliberately let her hand drop. The memory of blood was still on her tongue, metallic and warm. She didn't want to be here. Didn't want to know. Didn't want to care. She turned her head away from Angel.

He watched her, saw the momentary fire in her eyes fall to ashes and her face go dull again. She began to slide back down on the bed, to lay down the way she had been when he had first come in. It had been better when she was afraid/angry. He didn't think about it. He acted on impulse, grabbing her by the arms and pulling her back up to sit facing him.

"Stop it," she said harshly, twisting as she sought to escape his grip.

He shook her once. "Snap out of it, Lana," he said.

She looked at him incredulously. "Snap out of it? _Snap out of it?!!!"_ she threw off his hands and pushed ineffectually at his shoulders. He didn't move. "You don't just snap out of something like this. I made a decision. You can't make me unmake it. It's done. I'm leaving if I have to starve myself in this drab little room you've got me locked up in!"

"The Powers sent me to save you, Lana. You aren't allowed to go."

"Screw the Powers!" she shouted in his face. "Whatever they are. You think I'd be leaving if they ever did _anything_ to make me want to stay? I'll go whether they say I can or not!!"

"It's not time yet. You have a purpose. You were born to it."

"What do you know about it, huh? Why the hell do you care?"

"Because I do."

"Oh, what a stellar reason," she said sarcastically, "I'm moved. You got me, I give up."

"Lana," he said, clenching his jaw, "You need to be here with us. We know what its like…"

"To feel like me? Whatever. You cannot know what it is to be me."

"No, I can't. But I know what it's like to be stuck in a life you'd rather not have. To be cursed with something inhuman and different."

"You aren't seriously comparing my mind to your teeth are you? Because that is beyond ridiculous."

"Ridiculous or not, it's true. I have this existence so I can help people. You have your mind for the same reason. We may not like it, but it's who we are. We're cursed with abilities most people don't have so that we..." She looked up at him with a strange light in her eyes and he hesitated.

Lana wasn't hearing him, not really because _the blood was in her mouth and the insatiable hunger filled her being even as she drank... _She blinked and grimaced at the memory, ugh. Comparing that unholy hunger to her perception? How dared he? 

"Lana?"

She punched him. Squarely on the jaw. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Cordelia looked up into the darkness above her bed. _Time to go._ The words kept running through her head. It wasn't like she hadn't had that very feeling before. In the most private part of her mind she recognized the urge to want to stop it all. Everything. _I hate my whole life, _she had thought. Her life… what was her life? Acting? She hadn't had a job since that stupid commercial. She didn't think she wanted another job like that. Or any other even. It's not like Hollywood scripts were filling up her mailbox. She had come to a realization over last summer. She was what she was. Whatever that was. Anyway. Work? That was probably it. Her work, the person she had become since running into Angel at that party three years ago. The first time he had saved her life. But there had to be more to her than this… Love? Hardly. She didn't even go out anymore. She missed Gru. But in some weird way he was like a fairy tale to her. The time she had spent with him, what little of it there was, had taken on a dreamlike quality in her memory. She hadn't had a real relationship since… Of course, if the visions got any worse she wouldn't have to worry about any of it anyway... She groaned and rolled out of bed, heading for the kitchen.

She needed ice cream.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Lana's hand throbbed painfully. She looked down at it ruefully and Newton's law drifted through her mind… for every action…

"You hit me!"

Lana grinned, "So I did." She looked up at Angel's face and began to laugh. It was just too much. Her shoulders began to shake and she wrapped her arms around her waist as the laughter shook her slight frame. Too much… all of it. Tears began to run down her cheeks and she gasped for air. _She was concerned, wished she knew what to do, what to say… how was she supposed to help when she couldn't even convince Lana she wasn't going to hurt her? Or that she honestly understood how Lana felt?_ Lana jumped up, escaping the arms around her and the mind inside of hers and ran to the other side of the room.

Angel stood up and walked slowly toward her. When Lana's laughter had turned to sobs he had held her, letting her cry and hoping he could comfort her. What was going on?

She held up a hand. "Don't touch me. Please," she said, her voice sounding raw.

"What's wrong? Are you ok?"

She laughed a little, harsh laugh. "Oh, I'm just dandy." She closed her eyes and composed her expression. She opened them to see Angel's concerned face. "It's fine. I just… when you touch me and I'm not expecting it your thoughts kind of…" she gestured vaguely.

"Anyway. Thanks for your concern," she said perfunctorily. "For some reason you think it is important that I live. While I can't honestly agree with that, I sort of understand why you did this."

He nodded, not sure how to respond.

"Now, then," she smiled briskly, "where are my tennis shoes?"

Angel's face clouded over. "You don't need your shoes."

"You, being a vampire, may not care that it's raining outside, but I, being mostly human, do."

"You're not going outside," he stated in a forbidding tone.

Lana rolled her eyes. "Haven't we been through this already? Time for me to be going. I kind of need my shoes for that."

"No you don't, because you're not going anywhere."

"Why is that again?" she asked in a tone of polite interest, as if she were asking him why he thought she should buy stock in shovels.

"Because the Powers…"

"Who are the Powers?"

"The Powers that Be..."

"You mean you are part of a larger company and the guys in the upstairs office with the big windows told you to stop me?"

He gritted his teeth. "No, the Powers of the universe."

"Like He-man and She-ra? Aren't you a little old for cartoons?"

"The Powers that created the universe."

"Just this one or all of them? Oh, or the multiverse? Because I read a book once that postulated…"

"It doesn't matter. The Powers." He looked at her and she raised her eyebrows but refrained from commenting. "They sent us to stop you…"

"How? I mean, did they pick you up and drop you outside my apartment or…"

"They sent Cordelia…"

"The tall one wearing the long red skirt?"

"Yes. They sent Cordy a vision…"

"Like an hallucination?"

"No, a vision from the Powers…"

"Like a memo… go stop this woman from killing herself, also, don't forget to pick up the laundry?"

"It's more like…"

"Was she born with visions?"

"No. She got them from Doyle…"

"Who's Doyle? And got them? Like getting the clap?"

He choked on that one and she tried not to laugh.

"Would you let me finish a sentence here?" He said, irritated.

Lana looked at him innocently. "I'm just trying to understand. Maybe you should be more clear."

"It would be clearer if you would be quiet for a minute."

"It would be clearer if you started from the beginning."

"Well, tonight we were just getting ready to go out when…"

"No. The Beginning."

Angel looked confused. She sighed. If she had to hear it, she wanted to hear it all. If it was true, if she really… but first she needed to hear it. "Your story," she said quietly.

Angel had a brief flash of a memory. Doyle's face as Angel said those very words…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Wesley walked into the hotel, carrying a stack of books. It was early, earlier than he had meant when he had said he would come in to relieve Angel. But sleep had not come easily to him the night before and he had ended up going over some of the books in his flat. He looked up towards the room where they were keeping Lana but decided to deposit the books in his office first. It would probably be best if he didn't bring his research with him when he sat with Lana and he wasn't finding anything anyway. He set the stack down on his desk and removed his coat, wondering how the night had gone with Lana and Angel. It was perhaps too much to hope that progress had been made… He sighed and left his office, rounding the front desk to make his way up the stairs and down the hall. He paused at the doorway, hearing the utterly unexpected sound of feminine laughter.

"… and then Cordy just looks at him and says 'I didn't think you ever had…'"

Wesley hurriedly pushed open the door. Angel was sitting in the chair facing Lana who was on the bed with her legs folded beneath her. They both looked up at Wesley. "Good morning Lana, Angel," he said.

Lana nodded politely in acknowledgement and Angel said, "Wes! What time is it?"

"Just past 6 o'clock. May I speak with you for a moment? If you will excuse us, Lana?" Lana nodded again and Angel followed Wesley into the hall. As he shut the door she heard Wesley say in a disapproving voice, "What was that all about?"

Lana leaned back against the wall and breathed deeply, relaxing the tense muscles of her neck. Gods she was tired, but no way was she planning on falling asleep with Angel in the room again. He had only just started telling her amusing anecdotes about his friends after he'd finished giving her the abridged version of his life, er, unlife story. Of course, she had cheated and lifted the entire latter half of the thing from his mind once she realized he was editing out or downplaying certain elements. Strangely, he had been perfectly frank about his existence prior to the gypsy's curse. He didn't go into explicit detail (and she had held her barriers tightly closed while he talked of it) but he had been grimly honest about what he had been. She looked thoughtfully at the door. Angel had been particularly evasive about his period of (she paused and searched for the right words) moral ambiguity (yes that sounded right) after he had fired his crew.

Wesley opened the door and came back into the room.

Lana watched him quietly and waited until he had settled himself in the chair before saying, "So you're Wesley, the research expert and leader of the group?"

Wesley looked faintly pleased and she dropped her barriers in time to catch his thought _…really how he thinks of me?_ Lana hid a smile and put her barriers back up.

He nodded politely. "Wesley Wyndham-Price."

"Lana Hoy," she replied, nodding in return, then grinned slightly. "Well, now we've been properly introduced, can I ask you something?"

He looked amused then surprised. "Of course."

"Why is it that you are the one who runs this company called Angel Investigations?"

She watched him choose his words carefully. "Last year Angel reached a time of crisis in his existence and left the company. We, Cordelia Gunn and I, chose to continue serving the residents of Los Angeles as a team in his absence."

She nodded. "Why didn't you change the name?"

He smiled slightly. "We couldn't agree on what to change it to."

She laughed. "Ah. When did Angel come back?"

"When he had resolved his situation a few months later Angel returned, this time as employee rather than employer. I remained the leader."

"But why you? Why not Cordelia or Gunn?" she asked, curious.

"It seemed the thing to do," he murmured then looked at her as if remembering something. "Can't you tell? Why ask?"

Lana smiled briefly. "Um. I could tell. But I would rather you tell me."

"Really?"

"Really. I generally barricade my mind so that I can't hear the thoughts of those around me."

"Why?"

"It seems the thing to do," she murmured, mimicking his accent. He raised his brows. "What I mean is, do you really want me wandering around in your mind?"

"You barricade your mind for politeness' sake?" he said in disbelief.

"That and to retain some control on my sanity."

He looked at her measuringly. "You don't think I'm sane?" Lana asked in amusement. "Well, there could be some truth to that…"

"You seem fairly lucid to me."

"Too lucid to consider suicide?"

"You seem rather calm for someone who was brought here against her will after being prevented from carrying out what seemed to be an elaborately planned suicide attempt."

"Would you rather I hit you like I did Angel?"

"You hit Angel?" he said in shock.

"Um. I thought he deserved it at the time." She offered.

"I see I shall have to have a longer discussion with Angel later," Wes said, looking towards the door.

Lana grinned a bit. "I'd like to hear what he says.

He looked back at her. She could see the question coming and sighed. "I don't want to talk about it, but thanks anyway."

"I thought you said you weren't reading my mind."

"No, but I can read your expression well enough. You were about to ask if I wanted to talk about it, or some British variation of the question. Is there a standard British question for the suicidal acquaintance?"

"Erm, not really," he said. He gave her that look again and she sighed, resigning herself to a demonstration of the British version of concern. "Do you have anyone you need to call?"

"Oh," she said, surprised. "No. I don't have any close family or friends."

"What about your job? I assume you are employed?"

"Ah, yes, I was. I quit." He looked at her questioningly. She grinned wryly. "And no, the letter didn't read, 'sorry for the inconvenience, but I have to kill myself three weeks from Monday, so you'd better find a replacement right quick.'"

He laughed and she smiled, pleased that he appreciated her morbid humor. She got the feeling that he didn't laugh often. He seemed to be on the reserved side.

"And your apartment?"

"You saw it. Empty as a tomb," she looked at him, but he frowned his disapproval. Ah, no more morbid jokes, got it. "Um. I gave up my lease. New tenants are moving in Saturday."

"A car?"

She sighed. "I sold my car and my furniture, donated all of my clothes to Goodwill and liquidated all of my assets so it would be easier for Terri, the executor of my Will." She looked at him pointedly. "I wasn't supposed to be alive today, Wesley. Everything that had any vague sense of meaning has been stripped away, washed and sold or discarded. I have no life at this moment. My life is gone. No job, no possessions, no friends, no family, not even any pets. What life I had is over."

He looked at her, considering, and then nodded, as if coming to an internal decision. "Perhaps so," he said and her eyes widened. "The life you led is over, Lana. Perhaps that is not a bad thing."

"What?" she said, completely confused.

"It's New Years Day. I believe it is an appropriate time for you to set your past behind you and begin a new life. To utilize your talents as you were meant to do."

"I'm sorry, am I hearing this? New Year, New Beginning?"

"Yes," he said firmly "Your death on New Years Eve was to be a symbolic gesture correct?" she snorted but he continued. "So let that Lana die. Be the new Lana now."

"Just like that? Bye-bye old Lana. New Lana be born. Now." He nodded. "Never mind that I still have all the memories. Never mind the pain or anger or sorrow or any other of a hundred emotions and scars? Just, forget about it? Move on? If this is the British version of concern I'm surprised more of you aren't dead."

"Naturally you can't simply forget the past, but you can stop living in it," he said quietly. "You can live now, here in the present. You can go on living Lana."

"That was the point! I can't!" she cried passionately.

"Why?" He looked at her intently. "Tell me, Lana, why can't you go on living?"

"Because I…" she broke off and glared at him. "Oh, now that was sneaky. I don't want to talk about it." She looked at his head and wondered how hard it was. She didn't want to hurt her hand again punching another man, but it might be worth it.

"Well, if you don't wish to talk about your sorrows, what can you talk about?"

"Why do I have to be the one doing the talking here?" she said grumpily.

"Because we're the ones holding you captive," he said slyly.

She smothered a laugh. "I'm your hostage, then?"

"No, if you truly wish to go we won't stop you," he relented.

"That's not what Angel told me," she said dryly.

"It may still be Angel Investigations, but I'm the one in the big office," he said severely. "We won't keep you here against your will, not indefinitely. But I would ask you to stay until you are sure we have nothing to offer you."

She looked down at her hands. "I don't know, Wesley," she said quietly. "I don't know about New Lana. But I will stay for a little bit. Until I'm sure who I am." She looked up at him with shadowed eyes and he got the feeling that the words had some greater significance than that he had originally given them. She shook her head and smiled and the shadows were gone. "So what do you want to know?"

He decided not to press his luck. "Tell me about your job," he said, picking as innocuous a subject as possible.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fred stepped out of the shower, toweled herself off and pulled on her robe. She combed out her hair and braided it, thinking about her life so far. Truth be told, she wasn't too upset about it. Pylea seemed less and less real each day, well, except for that time when it had all become blindingly real to her. When reality had crashed in on her and she hadn't known what to do. But that had been a few months ago and the shock of it had worn off. Overall she was pretty content with her life. She had a place and a purpose. She realized she was happy.

"Isn't that silly?" she asked the wall as she pulled her shirt over her head. "Sure I was happy as a child and high school was okay, but graduate school was always a little too intense." She slid on her shoes. "Obviously it wasn't fun in Pylea, but why should I be happier here than I ever have been before?" She shook her head wonderingly and walked out into the hall. "Things are more complex now. Everything was clearer when I was planning on being a physicist, but I get more out of life now, you know?" She asked the wall sconce. "Right, I should probably stop talking to myself." She nodded. "Bad habit"

Fred went down the stairs. Angel was sitting on the couch in the lobby drinking blood from a coffee mug and reading the morning paper. Funny how that had never bothered her. Him being a vampire, existing on pig's blood and not being strictly alive had never even factored into her feelings for him. When you had feelings, silly goose, she told herself. Which you don't now. Not anymore.

"Good morning Angel," she said when she reached the bottom of the stairs.

He looked up from his paper. "Fred! You're up early this morning."

"It's almost nine o'clock. Not that early," she said a tad defensively.

Gunn opened the front door and came in carrying a box. He set it down on the front desk. "Breakfast," he said by way of explanation.

"Morning Gunn," said Angel, going back to his paper.

Gunn looked at the newspaper with legs. "Hello to you too."

Fred went over to rummage through the box. "Oh, muffins! Did you get blueberry?"

"Of course I got blueberry. You ate two of them last time."

But Fred wasn't listening. "Bagels, doughnuts, juice, coffee," she looked at Gunn. "An egg McMuffin? Did I miss something? This is more food than my mama used to make for bridge night. Of course, when she made food for bridge night it wasn't breakfast food it was…" she broke off and Gunn grinned.

"How is she doing?" he asked, nodding his head in the general direction of Lana's room.

Fred shrugged. "Well, she was sleeping when Angel took over last night."

Angel put down his paper. "She's doing much better. I think she's going to be all right."

"Really," said Gunn in surprise.

"That's great!" said Fred enthusiastically. "So you were able to get her to talk about it?"

"Not exactly," said Angel, "But we did talk a lot last night."

"Oh," said Fred, looking doubtful.

"Huh," said Gunn.

"What?" asked Angel?

"You think English is ready for a break?" asked Gunn, ignoring Angel's plaintive question.

"You can check, if you want to," Angel said sounding sulky.

Gunn nodded and went up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

"So what did you talk about?" he heard Fred ask.

"I told her about all of us…" was all he heard of Angel's reply.

He stuck his head in the door. "Wes," he said, interrupting what looked like a friendly conversation.

Wesley looked up and nodded. "Lana, if you don't mind?"

She shook her head, looking slightly flushed. Wesley tilted his head questioningly but she made shooing motions with her hands and he shrugged and went out into the hall.

"You're here earlier than I expected," Wesley said after he shut the door.

Gunn shrugged. "Didn't sleep so good last night."

Wesley nodded sympathetically. "Neither did I."

"How's she doing?"

Wesley frowned. "I'm not sure. I would like to say better, but I don't know how much of what I'm seeing is her and how much is what she thinks I want to see."

"She's pretending to be someone she's not?"

"Not precisely. She is being polite, I think. Humoring us by still living," he laughed shortly. "Yes, well, in any case I don't think she will try to kill herself, but I would still rather she not be left alone."

"You want me to take over for a while?"

"If you don't mind. I may attempt to use Cordelia's computer to do some online research on clinical depression and suicidal ideation."

"You know you're risking your life using Cordy's computer without her permission?"

Wesley looked rueful. "Maybe I should call her…"

"Unless you got a death wish too," Gunn agreed, grinning.

Wesley grimaced and went down the hall. Gunn shook his head and went into Lana's room.

Lana looked up and blushed furiously. Why couldn't she control her blushing? She used to be able to. But the thing was she felt guilty. Stop it, she told herself, you've done worse you know. Don't even go there, replied another corner of her mind. I'm just saying, defended the first part. Uh huh, said the other skeptically, you just like the guilt. Ha! We're not feeling guilty anyway?

"Look, I…" "Hi, I'm…"

Damn. She was blushing again. And now he was waiting for her to talk. She drew in a deep breath and released it. "You must be Gunn," she said as calmly as possible.

"I heard Angel gave you the rundown on our crew."

She nodded. His question leaked through her barrier. _I wonder how he described me?_ "Yup, he told me you were the muscle."

Gunn snorted. "Figures."

She grinned. "Um." He wasn't sitting down. He was looming, I wonder if he realizes he's looming? "Look, Gunn, I want to apologize."

"Apologize? For what?" He looked confused.

Am I that hard to understand? Am I speaking Spanish here? "For when I, when you came in and stopped me and I made you let go of me. I'm sorry for invading your mind like that. For controlling your mind. I just really… anyway I'm very sorry." She finished.

He looked at her thoughtfully. She talks with her hands a lot, he thought quietly. He noticed the tremor in her movements, the circles under her eyes. "How long has it been since you've eaten, Lana," he asked.

She blinked. "Eaten?" he nodded. "Um," she thought about it. "A few days I guess. I got rid of all the food and I wasn't hungry anyway." She shrugged. "Not that it matters."

He shook his head. "That's what I thought." He gave her a look. "And it does matter."

She made a helpless little gesture. "Ok, it matters."

"What do you like to eat for breakfast?"

"I'm not much of a breakfast gal," she said. He looked at her. "Ah, but I guess I could eat something. What have you got?"

He looked a little sheepish. "Pretty much everything."

She tilted her head and grinned. "Oh? Well, maybe a muffin and some orange juice?"

"Coffee?"

"I'm not much of a coffee drinker." She looked wistful. "But maybe do you have hot chocolate?"

"I'll see what I can do," he said and turned to go. She stood up to follow him. He looked back at her. "You don't have to come. I can get it for you."

"I'm a big girl, I can get my own food."

"Not of you faint from hunger on the stairs, you can't. And I don't feel like carrying you up the stairs again, 'specially if I'm also trying to carry hot chocolate and muffins."

"I won't faint," she said dryly.

"Yeah, well I don't want to take that chance, ok?"

She raised her brows. As he walked out the door she said, "You carried me? You really must be the muscle then."

He paused in the doorway but apparently decided to ignore her. She pulled her knees up to her chest and waited. She wondered what she was supposed to do now. What she had told Wesley was true. She didn't have a life as of the day before. She had nothing holding her in this world except this bizarre little group of people. It wasn't their fault that the Powers or whatever were wrong this time. She just had to figure out the best way to gracefully remove herself from this situation.

Gunn had left the door open a crack so he wouldn't have to turn the knob. He pushed it open carrying a plate with a glass balanced precariously on it next to three muffins and something wrapped in bright yellow paper in one hand and two paper coffee cups in the other. Lana jumped up to help, catching the cup just before gravity won the little battle it had been fighting for possession of said cup and took the plate as well. She looked around the room helplessly. "No table," she said. Gunn looked around too, annoyed. "It's ok, here," she said and hopped onto the bed, crossed her legs and smoothed out the blanket. She set down the plate and bowed slightly from the waist. "Our table."

"Ok," Gunn shrugged and pulled the chair next to where she was sitting. He handed her one of the coffee cups.

"Thank you," she said formally. She took a sip of the hot liquid inside and it burned her tongue. Ow. She set the cup carefully down and looked at the plate. "You do recognize that there are only two of us in here." She looked up at him. "Egg McMuffin?"

He laughed and she smiled. "I didn't know…"

"What I liked," she laughed. "Ok, so I see the blueberry and I'm guessing that is banana nut, but the other?"

"Bran."

She bit her lip and tried not to laugh. He shrugged. She took the blueberry and he smiled. "What?"

"You and Fred are going to get along just fine."

"Ah, so you're saying she has good taste?"

"Was that what I said?"

"I'll just let myself believe that's what you meant."

They ate in silence for a few minutes. Lana got halfway through her muffin and couldn't stomach another bite. She watched Gunn eat the McMuffin and start in on the banana nut muffin as she drank the orange juice.

"Why did you stop me?" she asked curiously.

He looked up. "The Powers sent us to you. To save you."

"I don't need saving, thanks," she said dryly.

"Looked that way to me."

"Hmm. But that's not what I meant." She took a sip of the now slightly less scalding hot chocolate. "You, why were you the one who actually stopped me?"

"I was the first one through the door, I guess."

She shook her head. "Wesley was first. You came in next just before Cordelia and Fred."

"Really?" he thought back over the last evening. "Huh. You're right. How'd you remember?"

"I'm suicidal, not brain dead… not yet anyway."

"That's not funny."

"I thought it was."

"Lana, if we're going to get along you have to promise to stop that."

"Stop making jokes?"

"Stop it with the suicide."

She threw up her hands in frustration, narrowly avoiding spilling her chocolate. She set the cup down on the floor, straightened and glared at Gunn. "First it was Angel with 'I know how it feels' and then Wesley with 'be the New Lana,' now you with 'just say no?' Don't you get that…"

"That you're determined to leave this life now, yesterday? Yeah, I do. But I think you know you can't do that."

"And _I_ think that maybe the best way to deal with the men of your company is to smack them upside the head."

He looked at her for a moment, shrugged slightly and leaned forward. She leaned back and looked at him in disbelief. Then she laughed reluctantly. "It's no fun when you offer, you know."

He sat back in his chair and grinned. "I thought it might not be."

"Lucky for you," she muttered.

He leaned forward again and her hand twitched. He caught her wrist and looked intently at her. "You don't want to do this."

"I have to," came her tortured reply. "It's the only way I'll ever find peace."

"We don't get peace in life." Lana looked surprised but he went on before she could say anything. "All we got is living, making our way and maybe there are moments where you're peaceful, but you got to work for them. Truth is, you know that deep down. Last night you gave in and tried to escape. You convinced yourself it was right, it was time, end the year and let a new one start without you. But it wasn't right, it wasn't time and the New Year is here with you in it. You promise me you'll stay in it."

"You don't know what you're asking me to live with."

"No I don't. But I know you're strong. You can handle it."

"I can't. I'm not strong."

"Yeah, you are. You couldn't have survived this long if you weren't." He paused, searching for the right words. "Look. You already decided to stay before I came in here. You could've made Angel let you go. You could've walked out the front door and stepped off the curb in front of a passing car and it would've been over. But you didn't. You stayed. Just admit to yourself you're going to stay."

"Maybe… maybe you're right."

"Promise me, Lana. Promise me you won't kill yourself. Promise _yourself_ you'll live a long, long life."

"I promise," she whispered. He nodded for her to go on. She closed her eyes for a moment then opened them and spoke a little louder. "I promise I won't kill myself."

He released her wrist and leaned back again in his chair. He smiled, looking relieved. Lana sagged and wrapped her arms around her waist. Suddenly she felt overwhelmingly exhausted. It was all she could do not to collapse on the bed.

"Are your eyes a different color?"

"Huh?" said Lana, wondering if they had started a new conversation when she hadn't been paying attention.

"I was just noticing… they look darker now.  Last night they were light brown, now they're nearly black."

"Uh, they've always been this color."

"Huh. I could've sworn…"

"Gunn?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you mind if I slept a little?"

"Oh. No, I guess you didn't get much sleep last night?"

"No, what little I had was all Angel and blood and…" she broke off, dismayed at what she had said.

"What? Angel and what?"

She waved a hand, as if to erase her words. "Ugh. Sorry. Never mind." He folded his arms and looked stubborn. She sighed. "Sometimes when I fall asleep my barrier, um, the wall I put around my mind to keep other people's thoughts out, doesn't stay up. Well," she grinned ruefully, "most times, actually. I dream other people's dreams. Or incorporate their thoughts into my dreams."

"Weird," said Gunn. He hadn't thought how other people's thought might affect her mind, only how she could use her mind to read or control.

"You have no idea. It can be pretty bizarre." She rubbed her eyes. "But last night Angel fell asleep and dreamt of the time when he was still Angelus. It was… disturbing, to say the least."

"I bet. But you'll be ok with me here? You want me to go?"

She shrugged. "Wouldn't matter. I mean, the closer you are the more I hear, but I hear fairly well within a block radius. If you're here, though, you kind of block out the other voices, like playing music to drown out the neighbors fighting, y'know?" He looked thoughtful. "Just, um, try not to relive any past battles, all right?"

"Hey, how 'bout I play Gameboy?" He pulled out the Gameboy from one of his pockets. "Not too much thought involved there," he said, grinning.

Lana nodded, smiling slightly. "That works. But do me a favor. Not Tetris." She thought of her former next-door neighbor's obsession with Tetris and cringed. For nearly a year she had been bombarded with Tetris and had begun to see the world around her as expressions of L shapes and squares. "Anything but Tetris."

"You got it."

Lana crawled beneath the blankets and fell asleep as if into a hole.


End file.
